Anyway, I’m pleased that I stuck to this challenge of trying  be funny nearly every day for a month. I thought a couple of sketches were OK, but I’ve pretty much given up on comedy writing. I wrote half a sitcom episode then quit that and decided to write a kids book about a schoolboy alien called Fraffi. I’ve just chucked that in the post to an agent and I’m writing another kids book whilst also busily inventing stuff, on my invention-a-day for May blog.

I’m not sure what I’ll do in June, but I quite like this something-a-day challenge malarkey…

Santa is talking to a reindeer.

SANTA:
Ho ho ho!

Santa’s smile suddenly fades.

SANTA:
Does that sound false?

He makes an obvious effort to smile.

SANTA:
Ho ho ho!

He grimaces at his poor attempt at jollity. The reindeer is disinterested.

SANTA:
It’s hard to get into the spirit of it. I’ve been doing this for so long, that’s all. I know it’s a good job really, I know I make the kids happy and all that, but still… I feel… empty. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants. Not sure they make much difference really. I think I’ve kind of forgotten what it’s all about. It’s lost its meaning. I give little Bobby his Nintendo and Ella her Bratz doll, they don’t even seem grateful. They have so many toys already and think its their right to get more, more, more. It makes me want to give up. I sometimes think I can’t be bothered.

Santa starts to load a sack onto his sleigh.

SANTA:
But I have a job to do. Best just get on with it.

INT. CHRISTMAS LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Santa is putting something in a stocking. He sees a mince pie on a plate, and next to it there’s a glass of whisky. He very deliberately squashes the mince pie, then he downs the whisky.

INT. CHRISTMAS DECORATED LIVING ROOM – DAY

A boy and a girl reach into their stockings, watched by their parents. At first it seems their stockings are empty, but then they find something right at the bottom.

MUM:
What did you get?

BOY:
Vouchers?

GIRL:
A book token! How much is yours for?

BOY:
Thirty. Bah! Lets see what Gran got me…

Under the tree they check out a big pile of presents. In a chair next to the tree Santa is slumped in a chair. It appears that he’s unconscious, with whisky spilling down his red suit.

Santa sits up, he’s suddenly awake, he starts playing with a Nintendo DS.

BOY:
Hey, that’s mine.

SANTA:
Haven’t you heard of sharing?

MUM:
Would you like to share lunch with us?

Santa smiles.

INT. DINING ROOM – DAY

Santa is sharing Christmas lunch with the family. The boy has just pulled a Christmas Cracker and is reading the joke.

BOY:
Why does Santa like to work in his garden? Because he likes to…

Santa laughs, a ‘Ho ho ho,’ and everyone smiles.

A couple sit beside their Christmas tree drinking mugs of mulled wine.

JO:
It’s the day before Christmas Eve, and there’s so much to celebrate. I think Christmas Eve Eve may be one of my favourite days of the year.

STEVE:
Yeah, and don’t forget it’s also New Year’s Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve today.

JO:
That’s true. I think it’s one of the best days of the whole holiday season.

STEVE:
Because of the anticipation we can feel in this Eve of the Eve of Christmas?

JO:
No, because I have just one more sketch to write before I complete my advent comedy challenge. I’ll be so glad to be done with this. I have presents to wrap, mince pies to bake, I don’t have time to try to be funny.

STEVE:
That much is obvious. This is in no way funny.

JO:
That Christmas Eve Eve idea means it qualifies as humour for the purposes of this challenge. And now I need a punch line.

Steve pours some mulled wine on the carpet. The red wine stains a purple line on the cream carpet.

JO:
What are you doing? That’s not punch, it’s mulled wine. You made a mulled wine line there. That’s not funny.

STEVE:
I was only trying to help. You didn’t have any plans for a punch line, did you? …I’ll get that carpet cleaning stuff.

BILL:
You said you’d go to the chippy, you can’t back down just because of a bit of rain.

GARY:
It’s not a bit of rain it’s buckets of it!

BILL:
Actually, you could get us a chicken bucket.

GARY:
You could get a chicken bucket.

BILL:
I don’t mind really. Any food. But I do need food now!

GARY:
Ok, ok. Can I get you a big mac?

BILL:
Ok…! Big Mac! hmm, what’s that? That’s my raincoat?

GARY:
Yeah, get your mac on, and go get your own food, you fat bastard.

A new dad is cooing over his baby.

DAD:
He smiled! I’m sure he smiled!

The baby’s Mum comes to see.

MUM:
Aw, I think he did smile. He’s so beautiful. Just like his Dad!

She smiles at her husband, strangely he doesn’t smile back.

DAD:
Yes he is smiling!

MUM:
Yes, he really is…

DAD:
Do you think he looks like me? Because you know I never smile.

The Dad stares at his wife with a completely serious face.

DAD:
I don’t smile. The baby does smile. Hmmm….

He stares at his wife.

DAD:
He’s not mine. Is he?

The Dad’s face is a picture of anguish. The baby is still smiling.

Then the Dad suddenly smiles.

DAD:
Only joking!

It’s the Mum’s turn to look anguished…

DAD:
It’s Nigel, isn’t it?

MAN:
Yes..?

WOMAN:
Does that still happen?

MAN:
I think so, yes.

WOMAN:
Well you’ve been quiet lately. You used to sneeze even at the thought of making love with me.

MAN:
I may be quiet now, yes… Unlike you!

WOMAN:
What does that mean?

MAN:
I mean all the noise you make when you get home from work.

WOMAN:
What noise?

MAN:
In the shower. It’s like…

The man tries to make a splashy noise.

MAN:
Splash, splash, splash, splash. I don’t know what that’s about!

WOMAN:
What are you talking about? You don’t sneeze because I don’t turn you on any more. That’s a problem. Maybe we should start being honest with each other.

MAN:
Yes we should. I honestly wish you’d stop it with all those shower noises.

WOMAN
I’m having a shower, there’s bound to be some noise.

The man simulates the splashy noise.

MAN:
I don’t know what you’re doing. Actually it’s more like… Hang on.

We hear a tap run as he fills a cup. He makes the splashy noise again with real water now.

MAN:
That’s more like it.

WOMAN:
Are you going to explain the lack of sneezing?

MAN:
Are you going to explain the splashy splashy?

WOMAN:
Oh, ok! I was washing my pussy, yes!

MAN:
Aha!

WOMAN:

It’s because I’m having an affair with Rob at work, I didn’t want you to know that we’d made love.

MAN:
You and Rob?

He sneezes repeatedly.

A little boy is chatting to his older brother, they’re sitting on his bed.

LITTLE BOY:
I know the elves make all the Christmas presents…

INT. SANTA’S TOY FACTORY – DAY

We see elves in a carpenters work room, there’s sawdust on the floor and woodworking tools everywhere.

LITTLE BOY (V.O.)
But there’s just one thing I don’t understand…

Santa’s elves are working with hammers to build toy laptops and cameras, and plastic electronic film merchandise.

LITTLE BOY (V.O):
How does Santa get the satsumas? There’s always a satsuma in my stocking.

EXT. LAPLAND – DAY

We see satsuma trees growing amongst the snow. The elves are climbing up ladders to harvest the orange fruits.

INT. SUPERMARKET – DAY

A couple of Santa’s elves are filling their shopping trolleys with satsumas, they’re emptying the supermarket shelves of the little oranges.

EXT. LAPLAND – DAY

The elves are making snowballs, they throw the icy balls to another elf who is painting them orange. They don’t look a lot like satsumas. An elf tries to peel one and looks disappointed to see ice in the centre.

LITTLE BOY (V.O):
I just don’t get the satsuma thing…

INT. BEDROOM – DAY

The boy and his big brother, sitting on the bed.

BIG BROTHER:
It’s very easy to explain. Mum and Dad put satsumas in your stocking.

LITTLE BOY:
Oh! I see…

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Two stockings hanging by the fireplace. Mum and Dad are putting satsumas in them both.

INT. KIDS BEDROOM – DAY

LITTLE BOY:
I knew it! Santa gives us all those cool toys and sweets, but parents have to try to spoil it, they only care about us eating our fruit and veg!

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Santa is filling the stockings with goodies, he takes the satsuma out of the stocking, looks at it sadly and shakes his head.

A sales assistant is demonstrating a new gadget to an interested customer. It looks like a small black box with buttons.

SALES ASSISTANT:
It’s an MP3 player. It’ll play your DVDs for you. It’s a mobile phone and an electric toothbrush. It can take a pretty good photo, and has a built in ovulation prediction indicator. It has wireless internet of course. It will microwave your food and blow bubbles to aerate your fish tank. It can even create a giant lit up Santa outside your place at Christmas.

CUSTOMER:
Wow!

SALES ASSISTANT:
It will cheer your beer to the perfect temperature, and play games from every one of the latest systems.

CUSTOMER:
Impressive!

SALES ASSISTANT:
It can emulate the functions of absolutely any electronic or digital device.

CUSTOMER:
Anything? That’s quite something…

SALES ASSISTANT:
Indeed. Of course such technology doesn’t come cheap…

CUSTOMER:
No, of course not. But really, it can be anything at all?

SALES ASSISTANT:
Anything. Here, try it.

The assistant passes the gadget to the customer.

SALES ASSISTANT:
So what’s it to be?

CUSTOMER:
An electronic gift card.

The sales assistant swiftly programs the device for the customer by pressing a few buttons.

SALES ASSISTANT:
Haven’t had that one before..! There you go… Should be done. Try it and see.

The customer takes the gadget to a girl at a till. When he’s asked for payment he hands her the device. She takes it and gives him his receipt. Then she puts the gadget in a bag for him.

He walks out of the shop happily clutching his bag. The sales assistant watches him go.

A mummy enters the bathroom. He picks up his toothbrush ready to brush his teeth, then puts it down again and start unwrapping all the linen that’s wound around his mummified face.

CUT TO:

Some time later, he’s brushing his blackened ancient teeth. He puts down his toothbrush and slowly starts winding the unravelled bandages up again.

He glances at the toilet, sighs, and then starts unwinding the bandages around his waist.

CUT TO:

He’s still unwinding his bandages, but he’s in a hurry now. He’s holding his legs together, obviously in great need of relief.

CUT TO:

The mummy pees, sighs with relief, then slowly starts winding his bandages back on again.

CUT TO:

The mummy is all wrapped up again. He switches on the shower.

MUMMY:
Oh fuck it!

The mummy gets in the shower just as he is.

CUT TO:
A soggy pile of bandages in the shower.

THE END

Stalls at a farmers market. Well-to-do customers browse the cake and vegetable stalls.

TRADER:
It’s organic, fair trade and completely meat free. It’s produced locally from recycled materials.

The customer checks out the bags of brown stuff. 

CUSTOMER:
What is it?

TRADER:
Finest Kent earth. Home grown on our farm. Here, try some…

He offers the customer a bowl of soil. The customer isn’t sure what to do with it.

CUSTOMER:
It’s soil…

TRADER:
That’s right. Only £6.99. The second bag’s half price.

The customer looks confused.

TRADER:
Of course no animals were tested on to bring this to you. It’s fresh from our field today.

CUSTOMER:
That’s good. But…

TRADER:
Do you want a demonstration?

The customer nods.

The trader opens a plastic bag of supermarket new potatoes.

TRADER:
Get any cheap veg from Tesco, rub on a little of your finest Kent soil… There you go..! A bag will last for weeks. It’ll save you a fortune on your Farmers Market vegetables.

The trader shows the customer a handful of dirt covered potatoes.

CUSTOMER:
I’ll take two!

The trader hands him two bags and takes his money.